Post and Pre-Holiday Reminders

I have made a post like this before, but I want to continue reiterating my points as I feel we all, including myself, could use the reminder. The time between Christmas and New Year is always a strange period. All the excitement leading up to Christmas has ended and now we still have a holiday to look forward to, but what do you do to fill the days in between? Christmas music is still on the radio, and people still have their decorations up, but the holiday is over. This is usually when people get crazy with their New Year's resolutions, making so many unrealistic goals that they will be so motivated to achieve until the second week of January. I for some always got sad during this time of year or at least in years passed I did. I think a large part of the reason was that for a long time, I was in a down place, and with the holidays being the “most wonderful time of the year”, I feel like it forced me to put on a happy front and I honestly did feel somewhat happier. Then when the holidays were over I would return to my normal downstate. It is strange when I think about it because the holidays did bring a lot of stress to my ED, but most times I would force myself to ignore the thoughts so I could put on a front to my family that I was fine. Sometimes that meant “allowing” myself to have a cookie or eat the roll with dinner, something I would never allow myself. So the holidays also brought that feeling of freedom I never got in my day-to-day life. I don’t know if any of this makes sense or if any of you have ever experienced similar thoughts, but I think we can all agree that the holidays bring up a lot of different emotions and situations that throw us off our routine. This time of year is exciting, but stressful for many of us. However, it doesn’t have to be. This time of year can be enjoyable. I haven’t had a good holiday experience since I was 10. Yes, it has been 10 years since I can say I had a good holiday until this year.

I have made so many changes for the better these last 6 months and while I would love to be able to say that recovery and overcoming my ED for real was only part of the reason, I know it was the entire reason. I never wanted to believe that restriction, under-fueling, and being underweight for so long were the reasons behind all my other emotional and physical issues, but it was. I didn’t want to believe that gaining weight and maintaining it would be the answer to me being able to live a better life, but it was. I didn’t have the energy or desire to build new relationships, fix my old ones, put myself out there, and truly fight for the life I knew I deserved. However, I do now. I was able to enjoy myself this holiday season, I was able to bake cookies and eat them without guilt or feeling out of control. I spent quality time with my family without being preoccupied with the dinner I would have to eat later. I said yes to things I had been avoiding, I felt the Christmas magic I hadn’t experienced in years. And maybe it wasn’t even Christmas magic, but just the magic that comes from finally living the life you have been wanting.

So if you are coming off the holidays feeling guilty or unhappy, if you are feeling regret for allowing the ED voice to win or for taking away another holiday for you, then let this be your sign to start making some changes. You don’t have to spend another year doing the same things, if you want to get better and I mean you truly want to get better then you will be able to find the strength within yourself to recover. If you commit to true recovery and maintain it you will see the results in your day-to-day life. You will be happier and have more energy, patience, and empathy for those around you. You will enjoy the holidays and other special times with your family and friends. I know you are tired of ED taking away memories from you and turning you into a verison of yourself that you are not proud of and a version of yourself that is not truly you. It took me a long time to realize I was done living in quasi-recovery and was ready to fight for myself. One quote that helped me overcome my doubts was, “If not now, when?”. You can’t wait till you are ready to start recovery because you will be waiting forever. ED will never allow you to feel “ready”, you have to be “ready” to go “all in”. Yes, it's going to be scary, it’s going to be very scary, but nothing is scarier than continuing to live with an ED.